I think that one of the reasons that I feel so “off” today is because I’m alone for the first time in five days. Mike was home sick for most of last week and I kept myself busy going to the gym and taking care of him. Time always seems to fly when I’m with someone. Today is the first time in a few days that I’ve been alone with my thoughts and it’s very overwhelming.
There used to be a time when I loved being alone. I could sit and read a book or write or daydream and it was pleasant. Ironically, this was a period in my life when I was the most lonely. I was past the point of wanting to be with someone just to be with someone and my mind was clear and I could breathe. Sure, I didn’t like feeling lonely, but it was better than being with the wrong person. I always thought it was annoying when someone told me “you just need to learn to like being alone” when I was sure they were talking about loneliness. I am well aware of the difference between being alone and being lonely. I know all too well what it feels like to feel lonely in a room full of people, but that isn’t what I am talking about here.
What I have been going through today is being alone. I’m alone with myself and my thoughts and it is SO. DAMN. LOUD. inside my head. It makes the silence in our apartment that much more apparent. I long to be able to sit with myself and feel the calm that fills the room. At least when Mike is home, I have someone to talk to. Someone to listen to me. Someone to try to understand why it seems I can never relax.
I really don’t know how I turned out this way. I think I’ve always been like this, though there have been periods where I have enjoyed being alone. Maybe it comes from never having a real emotional outlet. Maybe I’m too screwed up to be alone with my thoughts. Maybe I’m too afraid to work through the issues at hand.
I know that Mike and I are under a huge amount of stress right now. I know that I feel out of control and I hate that. I know that I’m tired of everyone telling me that it’s going to be okay when they have no idea what we’re going through. I know that I need to get help. I know that I need to be better to myself.
I hate starting the week like this so I am determined to turn it around. One way that I’m going to do this is by doing the Lean & Mean Challenge hosted by Tera on Girl Gone Healthy.
I’m excited to do this challenge because it is something that I’m doing for myself. This is the first online blog challenge that I’m attempting and my goal is just to do my best. I think that my main focus for this challenge will be on my fitness. Our fridge has been a little empty lately and I’m working with what I have at the moment as far as food is concerned. I think this is a big step for me as far as personal progress. I’ll be posting updates throughout the challenge to let everyone know how I’m doing.
Thanks for reading,